Conclusion

Well, I actually finished! I didn't think I could do it, but I did it! 30 letters in 30 days. It was quite interesting who I ended up writing to. Some of them were people that hadn't crossed my mind in years. Others were people I still can't stop thinking about.
     The first few, I admit, made me tear up. Sometimes it felt good to write. It helped to just get it out. There is a part of me that wishes there were even more letters to write. But alas, the challenge is over and I must move on to the next one.
    My challenge for February will be to study Portuguese everyday. I already sort of started, but I want to get to an intermediate level by the end of the month. I don't think it will be very hard because I already speak Spanish and the two languages are very similar. I will try to blog about it here a couple of times. Maybe I'll just write random thoughts here. Who knows?
    It has become routine to come here and write. Today, even though there was no letter I felt I should still write something. So here I am, writing, trying to fill my night routine before I go to bed. I lost track of time today so I am a little late, but still. I want to write. Everyday. Hopefully that will happen. Hopefully. 

Day 30 Yourself Right Now

Dear Myself Right Now,
    Somehow, for some odd reason, you're doing everything you thought you could never do. Something inside of you just happened and now you're doing it. Although things are kind of scary and you are still uneasy about everything, you have courage coming out of somewhere. It just makes me so excited because it seems we're going to be okay. All these years I thought I was going to give up! But no, here I am. Standing strong and becoming the woman I had always wanted to be.
    BTW, you should totally get friendly with that cute trainer at the gym!

Day 29 A Teacher

Dear Teacher,
     You've never met me. I was never in one of your classes. You do know my brother. He is your student and he admires you so much. He talks about you with such respect and admiration that I  kind of envy you. He tells me everything, well almost everything, that goes in your classroom.
     I don't even know what you look like, but I can tell you are a great teacher. To have a student talk about you in such a way is something I've never really seen before. It's the kind of teacher I want to be. I don't want to be just a good teacher. I want to be a teacher whom my students are proud of.
    I want to lead with actions, such as you addressing congress. You're one of a kind, and you deserve all the praise you get. I hope to one day be like you. Inspiring students to be the best they can be by showing them it can be done. Much respect to you. I hope one day I can call you my colleague.

Day 28 A Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
     I haven't seen you in a while. I'm not really sure what happened to you. Do you still live there? In the times when all the things happened with my brother I thought nothing of you. Well, I thought you were a delinquent, and perhaps I treated you like one. You gave me good reason to, I think then only that has changed is my way of thinking.
    You left your mark on our house. We never had the money to replace the wire thing on the window. Instead, my mother sewed it up and now everyone asks us about it. What kind of desperation would have driven you to break into a house to steal a few dollars? You tried to break in in plain daylight, you didn't even have a plan. Did you plan to run away with it? Did you think that maybe it would be enough to buy away your troubles?
    I used to think you were evil. Now, I don't know. Maybe you had a broken heart. I know your family didn't treat you with respect. I remember your aunt talking about you in such very ill ways. Such treatment must lead a kid to go crazy. I don't know what it was, but I think I get your desperation. Your weird ways. No one in the neighborhood liked you. I wonder if they got rid of you.
    I think I get where you are coming from. In a way, I feel I was that kid as well at some point. I wonder what happened to you. I wonder what is going to be of your life. I know it is not good. My heart breaks at the thought of your fate. I know, all that shit is an injustice. I wish there were something I could do to help.

Day 27 An Internet Friend

Dear Internet Friend,
     You, as well as many people in my life, don't exist. I don't really know how to talk to people online. I'm awkward even on chat! I think your non-existence though can be attributed to PizzaDude... I remember we were talking for a really long time. We got along very well, until I told him my ethnicity. He told me he didn't like my type and never spoke to me.
    I was outraged. I was hurt. This person who had never even seen me judged me because he didn't like my people, which technically weren't my people. I never got over that. I don't waste my time with people online now. Unless it is to practice a new language. Other than that, I don't associate, or go beyond language practice.
    People, whether face to face or behind a keyboard are hurtful. I don't trust anyone. I won't open up to anyone.

 (Irony noted at the fact that I am writing this blog).

Day 26 Someone Who Has Changed

Dear Someone Who Has Changed,
     I can see how you are slowly beginning to care less and less. Your own misery is bringing you to lose everything good about yourself. Or maybe I am reading you wrong. What I do know is that you aren't who you used to be.
    I kind of understand why you are doing it. The same reason why we all do crazy things sometimes. All the pressures our family puts us through makes us not want to be a part of it anymore. It's the reason why two of us are gone and we are thinking about it. It seems our only way out is marriage, but we don't want that. We all want to be independent women but it's hard when the family brings you down. How do you become independent of the family without completely leaving it?
     I'd just like to let you know you are not alone. We all feel the same way. There is no reason why you or any of us should do this alone. We need to get together and do this together. Make a mark that everyone will have to accept. We are all oppressed by this crazy system, even our mothers. We have the power to change our futures. Don't think you are alone. We are all with you and we are all fighting the same struggle.

Day 25 The Person You Will Always Remember

Dear Person I Will always Remember,
     I never thought I had a future in writing. I was constantly reminded by my teachers that I could not write. You were the first teacher who cared about what I said. You cared more about the content rather than how a sentence was structured. You made me see that my thoughts do matter and even if it's not in neat sentences.
    You made me feel secure in my writing. Everything else from there came after. You allowed me to discover a love for books and reading. I never thought I could find so much meaning in a piece of literature. You introduced me to literature that made sense to me and that I could connect with my own experiences.
     Most importantly, you made me discover a way of expressing myself. Whenever I feel a strong emotion I can't express any other way, you taught me to express with a pad and a pen. It's a gift that I will carry with me the rest of my life. Of course, if that's going to come with me, so will the memory of the person who inspired it.

Day 24 Someone Who Changed Your Life

Dear Someone who Changed my Life,
     When you first walked into the room I thought you were the cockiest jerk I had ever seen. I hated you from the moment you walked in. Yet as you got up in front of everyone and began to speak you became the person who changed my life. I listened to you, taking note of everything you said. You had all the answers to the questions I was seeking. You really came into my life at the right time and the right place.
     When I wrote down your email address in my notebook I thought to myself that it was useless because a person like me would never contact someone just because they wanted to know more. Yet a few months later when laid in my bed thinking whom I should write my next piece on your face came to mind. I searched through my notebooks looking where I had written down your information. When I wrote you, I thought you wouldn't answer. I imagined you to be the cocky guy I first perceived you to be. But you were the nicest person on the planet and so cooperative! I was surprised! Actually, from that moment on everything about you surprised me.
     You introduced to me an underground world I didn't know existed. It was the one I had been searching for my whole yet really didn't know it. You brought me to my senses and made me realize that there is more to life than just what I thought there was. With you, I understood so much more. You showed me the way and paved the path for the rest of my life.
     I don't see you as often as I like anymore. I wish I could have you as a frequent reference. Yet, I know at some point I had to fly off on my own and do my own thing. I never told you how much I appreciated you. I never told you how much I looked up to you. I never thanked you for changing my life.

Day 23 Your Pet

Dear Pet,
     Well, you don't exist and it's for a very good reason. I've had pets before and they didn't make it out alive. I am generally afraid of animals yet find them to be very fascinating. My first rabbit ran away. My second rabbit was beheaded by the neighbor's cat. My mother gave away my third rabbit, without my consent and right in front of me. My third rabbit disappeared when I left to college. I still don't know what happened. I then got myself two turtles that both died under my care the first one died because the shell got too soft. I gave all the calcium I could but to no avail. The second turtle lasted me another year, but its death is the reason for your non existence.
     I needed a basking light. I didn't have money for a basking light. I used my desk lamp instead. The turtle stayed there too long and it roasted. I remember walking into my room and it was half toasted, I till had time to save it. It only moved its eyes and I think that was the first time I made eye contact with a turtle. Now that I think about it, the look that turtle gave me was a plea. I could have turned off the light and saved the cold blooded baby. But I kept going and thought nothing of it. I'll never forget the look of that turtle.
     My brother buried both my turtles. I didn't have the guts to bury it myself. I cried so much. I didn't know how much I cared until it was finally gone. Actually, it was that way for all my animals. I care too much but I don't know how to care for animals well. I'm scared of animals which makes me a terrible caretaker. I will not be responsible for any more deaths, and that includes your own. I care too much about you to ever do something like that to you.

Day 22 The Last Person To Lie To You

Dear Last Person to Lie to Me,
      I consider the omission of certain information lying. You had your reason for omitting this information from me, and I think I know it. In fact, I know what you did. You think you have me fooled, but I knew even before you knew what you were going to do. It was stupid of you, and now I know you are paying the price for it. I fail to understand why you are so ashamed to tell me thought. You know, even if I feel this way I would never show how disappointed I actually am.
     Actually, there have been a lot of things that you have said or done that I completely disagree with and I still don't give you a hard time about it. Why do you find it so hard to tell me this? It only angers me more that you won't tell me! At some, I thought you and I could have become something. But now, I know I only want to be your friend. I've lost all trust in you. I don't know who you really are now. You've distanced yourself from me and then reproach when you come back and I don't pretend as if nothing ever happened.
     Things did happen! Something happened between the two of us. We will never be the same unless you choose to confront this! I'm ready for a talk. Are you?

Day 21 Someone You Can Trust With Your Life

Dear Someone I Can Trust With My Life,
     Whenever I need a way a out you're there. I can't even begin to thank you for all the times you have saved my life. From giving me food when I was hungry to lending me money when I was short on rent. You've been an amazing person to me and I have yet to repay to you.
     I think it is the kind of person you are. You were taught to be generous and self sacrificing. I see your generosity not just in the things you do for me but also in the things you do for others. You're always doing things for others and never asking for anything in return. That's a person worth keeping in life.
     I hope someday I can be as much help and support to you as you have been for me. 

Day 20 The Last Person To Get Angry With You

Dear Last Person to get angry with me,
     That was unfair. You started the whole ordeal and then didn't end it. But trust me, you will pay.

Day 19 The Last Person You Hugged/Kissed

Dear Last Person I Hugged/Kissed,
     If there is anything this challenge is teaching me is that I lead a lonely life. Most of the people I've written to are people who are no longer in my life or are non existent. It seems I live a life a regret. I regret not seeing having said this, I regret not finding out why that happened, I regret, I regret, I regret! Has one of these letters been happy?
     This one is absolutely no exception. I can't remember the last person I hugged or kissed. I don't have anyone to hug or kiss. Shit! I'm lonely. I know, it's all my fault. I lead people out of my life. I push them away and then I regret. It's a pattern these letters have helped me see. How do I stop pushing people away? Better yet, why am I stuck in this cycle? Am I scared of something? What am I really fearing?
     I think I have just gone through so many disappointments I don't find anyone worthy now. What's the point of trying if no one else is? Why take a risk if I know what the outcome will be? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my way of thinking still hasn't changed, and I am still the same as always.

Day 18 Someone That You Miss

Dear Someone That I Miss,
     I still think about you a lot. I never realized how much those therapy sessions in your office meant to me. It helped to get things off of my chest, even if I didn't tell you everything. I never appreciated you and everything that you did for me. I was too caught up in an idea that you really didn't care because it was just your job. There was a part of me that didn't want to admit that you did care for me.
    I could see it in your eyes. I could see the excitement you got when you saw me. We both knew that if we hadn't met through a counseling center we would have been great friends. Maybe that's why I miss you so much. In a way, you weren't just my therapist, you were my friend. I was scared to admit that I cared so much about you. I didn't want to rely on a therapist, and I definitely didn't want a therapist to become an indispensable part of my life.
     The connection between us felt so human and honest I always found it a shame that we could never go beyond therapist and patient. Maybe if you were to read this you would think I'm crazy. But I don't know. I'm quite certain that's how it was. Unless you're an amazing actor and do this with all your patients. Anyways, I didn't give you a proper goodbye. You deserved more, it was as if I left you hanging. I always hope to bump into you and explain everything to you.
     I'm doing way better now. I think you would be very proud of me. I'm improving my mental health. You were a big part of that and I am very thankful for you. I hope you and your wife are doing well.
    Our fifty minutes are up!

Day 17 The Last Person You Made a Promise To

Dear Last Person I Made a Promise To,
     I don't usually make promises that I don't mean. It's probably why I don't really make promises. Not even as a joke. But I guess you could say I made a promise to myself. I haven't really kept it. I promised I would write a lot more this year, it was my new year's resolution. I failed the first week because I didn't post on my blog. I am still continuing to fail because I have yet to go and post anything. I have been working on a piece, on and off, but I don't seem to be satisfied with it. I've wrote a lot and I have a lot of pages of handwritten material, but I just don't feel comfortable publishing it.
     Writing the piece makes me realize that I should have resolved in gaining more confidence in myself. I have so many thoughts but am too afraid to put them out there. What would I have to offer? All these negative thoughts stop me from doing something I actually enjoy to do. I tell myself I am not a real writer, even though that is all I want to do sometimes.
     Anyways, my pessimistic mind doesn't allow me to make promises of any sort. I don't make promises to anyone because I don't keep them. Apparently to myself too.

Day 16 God

Dear God,
     You used to be my rock. You used to be my everything. I couldn't imagine living without you. You meant strength, wisdom, and knowledge. At some point, all of that changed. Everything I thought you were vanished.
     I was afraid to admit it at first. I couldn't bring myself to admit it at first. But when I did I realized it was the best decision I could make. I could breathe. I could be myself. The whole you time you had me tied up in invisible shackles. Everything I thought was good for me ended up being what was killing me. I couldn't believe it. It hurt to see that you weren't really there. You weren't what I had imagined you to be. You were an idea that was implanted in my mind, and I had no other choice but believe.
     I don't pray anymore. I don't hope. I don't leave my destiny up to you. It's up to me. I lead my own life now. And though there are other things that limit me you are not one of those powers.

Day 15 A Stranger

Dear Stranger,
     Sometimes I wonder, as you stare into your phone, if you ever feel lonely. What would happen if you let it go? Will you realize what a beautiful day it is today? Will you begin to wonder and try to solve problems in your head rather than google? Maybe instead of looking at your screen, you could look into my eyes....
     You might not find me as entertaining as a game of Angry Birds, but I could provide you company. Even if it's just for a few minutes, even if we'll never see each other again. Maybe a small conversation could change your life forever, or mine. I know, we're told not to talk to people. We shy away from people. But what would some small talk to do us? Do I really look like a harmful person?
     Excuse me if I am being rude. It's just that it's gets lonely here. I stand in a sea full of people who only look at their phones. I'm the odd one out, and it feels strange. It's so silent everywhere I go. No one talks to each other, I can't listen in on intellectual conversations, they don't happen anymore. I can't ask anyone for directions because I am already supposed to have them at the tip of my fingers.
     Your phone has provided you with an excuse not to make eye contact. You don't notice me, nor the others who are in the same boat as you. The world passes you by and you don't seem to notice. Am I crazy? Should I get myself a fancy phone too so that I could ignore you as well? Should I stare off into a search engine rather than into my mind? I'd like to get to know you stranger. I don't know who you are, but I'd like to get know. Except, your phone stands in the way.

Day 14 Someone Who Used to be a Friend

Dear Someone who used to be a Friend,
     I'm not sure why you stopped talking to me all of a sudden. I have to say, I am quite disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that. I thought you were stronger. I don't understand why you felt you had to lose your virginity just because I did. I hate this idea that everyone feels they need to be better than me. You felt I had somehow exceeded you and you went out to hurt yourself. You didn't listen to me, you didn't try to learn from my mistakes. So now you're out there making a mess out of you're life because you think that's how you're supposed to lead your life.
     You're embarrassed to talk to me. You avoid me whenever friends try reunite us. Are you ashamed? There's no reason to be. I was always one to listen to you and try to lead you in the right direction. You always came back telling me I was right, and that you were happy that you took my advice. I don't know why all of that changed.
     Either way, I'm still here. I'd appreciate it if you stopped pretending and were real me and with yourself.

Day 13 The Person Who Caused You The Most Pain

Dear Person who caused me the most pain,
     I hear you talking about me to others. You're a coward because you could never confront me. You don't say anything directly to me because you know you are wrong. You know all the pain you have caused me and don't want to hear it. You'd rather act the victim and pretend I'm the one who caused it all.
     But you're not stupid. You know what you have done. You know that the root of evil comes from you and not from me. You try to convince others of the opposite as vehemently as you try to convince yourself. You know a mother is not supposed to hate a daughter but you can't help it. All that shit you do, it's called guilt. You're ashamed of you're feelings. Still, that's no reason to take it out on me. Everyone believes me to be a bitch, when I have done nothing but cry myself to sleep because my mother hates me. So many times I envied my cousin. I would rather be live with the pain of a dead mother than a mother who hates me. You used your discipline program as a way to take out your anger on me. The wounds you left on my body may have disappeared  but I never forgot them.
     I do blame you for most of it. At some point I hated you too. I did contribute to a lot of what is wrong with us today. I have no time for any of that now. What you did was fucked up, and I still suffer for it. But I need to move on. I need to move on with my life. I can't let your damage slow me down. I have a life to live, and I won't let you stop me anymore.

Day 12 Someone You Want To Tell Everything To

Dear Someone I Want to tell Everything to,
     I only half told you the story. I know you wanted to know the whole story, and you deserve to know the whole story. I just don't know how to tell you. I don't know how you will react. I am afraid that you will judge me, or think bad of me. Everything I did, I did it from the heart.
    You've quit asking me, but I know you still want to know. Maybe one day it will come up again, and maybe then I will have the courage to tell you. You're someone that has always been there for me. If something ever happens to me, you're the first one I would go to. You've saved my ass so many times! I know it's not fair that I repay you with silence. But to be fair, I never really told anyone the whole story. Everyone only knows some parts, which is why no one understands my weird actions sometimes. I don't know if somebody else told you though. Maybe that's why you stopped asking. Either way, hopefully one day I'll stop being so self conscious and tell you the story that changed my life forever.

Day 11 Someone Who is Deceased

Dear Someone who is deceased,
     I have already written you a letter. In that letter I made you a promise I haven't kept.  Not completely. I promised you I would change my appearance, just the way you had predicted. That transformation is slowly taking place.
     Still, I don't think I have completely broken my promise to you. The person I am now is not the person you used to know. I think you would be surprised to see who I have become. And like you said, you wouldn't be able to recognize me. I am someone better. Someone I am proud of.
     Still, I know what I promised, and I don't plan on breaking that promise. Thing is, I want to gain confidence before I lose weight. I want my confidence to come from within. I don't want my self esteem to be correlated with my weight. I think I am at that point now, but I still have work to do. I have lost 23 pounds over the past year, and although it's not too much, I look good. I am happy where I am now.
    I don't know where you are, or if you are even watching over me. Either way, the day will come, and I will keep my promise to you.

Day 10 Someone Who You've Always Wanted to Talk To

Dear Someone I have always wanted to talk to,
     You were the first person to open my mind. You're class changed my thinking forever. Everything you said in that lecture hall made sense to me. For once in my life I thought I was actually being taught something. You were different from all the other professors in that your teaching was honest.
     When I first saw you walking into the lecture hall I thought you were weird. You had on a long skirt and walked with your mug in hand. You seemed too uptight, and I thought I was going to hate your class. Little did I know, I would be the first one in the lecture hall in the front row ready to take rigorous notes every single day that quarter.
     You were the one to put a seed into my politicization. Unfortunately, at that point in my life I was still too afraid to go to a professor's office hours. I regret not having gone to talk to you, because I am sure you would have enlightened me a lot more. You are one of the only women that I have seen talk about race and politics in such a passionate way. If I would have known that not many of these women existed (at least not around me) I would have made sure to keep you as a person of reference. To this day, I am thankful for your class and for your knowledge. I still hope to one day be able to talk to you and learn from you.

Day 9 Someone Who Broke Your Heart

Dear Someone Who Broke My Heart,
     How many letters will I have to dedicate to you this month? There have been so many people who have broken my heart, yet you're the only one I could write about. Maybe because your heartbreak was the first one that felt real. The only heartbreak that made me aware of my humanity. Actually, by your side I learned the true meaning of being a human being. I had never really thought about it before, I thought I had it all figured out. But by your side I learned the meaning of all those words I thought I knew: love, evil, trust, weakness, loyalty and pain.
     Your actions toward me woke up an understanding in me. I don't criticize others anymore. I don't deem the woman who goes back to the man who hurts her stupid. I understand the person who won't get out of a painful relationship. I understand others so much better now, and I try to be the person I never had in my life to everyone else in my life.
     I guess your heartbreak was a good thing after all. Our relationship, while the most stupid thing I have ever done, was the most important chapter in my life that helped me to grow. I'm happy to say, I am not the same woman whose heart you broke.

Day 8 A Friend That Is A Stranger

Dear Friend That Is a Stranger,
     We used to be best friends! We got each other! You made church exciting. I don't really know what happened. After Sally moved to Arizona we just fell apart. I guess we weren't such great friends after all. Now, we give each other those odd smiles and pretend we don't have history. We don't exactly hate each other, but our conversations are always awkward and forced. I really don't know what happened. It was probably me. It's always me. I kind of wish that wouldn't have happened. You still have a great personality and I think that if we were to give each other a chance we would get along quite well. But, I think we both know that is not going to happen. Even if we wanted to, we could never be friends again. I went my own way. Now, it's all of you guys versus me. I'm compared to all of you but judged on a harsher scale. Everyone at church looks at me as if I were a baby raper. I don't know what I did to deserve such harsh criticism. No one really understands social anxiety. It's disappointing to know that you have become a part of a group that has to taught me to hate them. Even though you are a part of them, I still think you are pretty cool.

Day 7 One of Your Other Family Members

Dear Other Family Member,
     You don't know this, but you are the most important person in my life. There have been points in my life when I felt there was no way out of my misery besides death. The idea of taking my life tempted me, I almost did it once. You're the reason I didn't take my life. You're very important to me and I know I don't say it.
    I'm very proud of you. At your age I hadn't done half the things you did. I know you're going to go far in life, and I know it will make me very happy. I do care about your happiness. I want you to be proud of me. There have been so many times when I just want to give up, but I don't because of you. I tolerate all the injustices of our parents because of you. I didn't run away because I didn't want you out of my life.
     I see you growing up, getting ready to go to college and it saddens me. As you grow up, you also grow distant from me. I can see how you don't look up to me the way you used to. You even think I'm a dumbass and don't take my ideas seriously. I hope that you are able to understand me one day. I don't want to become the crazy aunt to your kids one day.
     Either way, I hope that our relationship never dwindles, even when you leave to college. It's more than a year a away and my eyes already tear up at the idea.
     I think my love for you is more than this society accepts, so I will keep it to myself and root for you on the sidelines.

Day 6 Your Parents

Dear Parents,
     You guys are just as confusing as I am. At times you are completely supportive of me and of my decisions and at other times you completely turn your back against me. I don't really know how to feel about the two of you. I don't love you, but I don't hate you.
     I won't lie, there is definitely resentment for treating me so much differently than my brother. I think it would be safe to say that we were both raised by two different sets of parents. I resent you for not caring as much as you did him. You two are so much more involved in his life than you were in mine. You never expected anything from me and always thought I was going to be a failure. You expected a certain kind of daughter, but then rejected me since you didn't get her. I think your hatred is an injustice, and I don't think it is fair to hate me simply because I was born.
     I do thank you for putting up with me. I know how badly you don't want me here, but you still let me stay here while I figure out how to stand on my own to feet. I promise I will be out of here as soon as I can. Till then, you'll have to continue ignoring me everyday of your life pretending I don't exist.

Day 5 Your Favorite Celebrity

Dear Favorite Celebrity,

     I don't know if you could be called a celebrity. Not enough people know who you are. Many, including myself, might even pass you by in the street and won't notice who you are. I guess that is what is so great about you. You're still one of us. In a recent article you wrote, you mentioned you had lost your home, and you had to move to another part of Seattle. You're a family man and you're a rapper. How much better can you get?

     I like that you turn truth into art. You make confusing emotions tangible and you help me to understand myself. I would be honored to take you out to coffee one day and just listen to you talk. There are only a few people out there who are doing what you are doing. I respect that you don't sell yourself out because you realize there's more  to this struggle and to this genre than becoming famous.

     More importantly, you inspire me to express my anger in art. To think that when you first started out, you were only my age. You were able to bring yourself so far without all those luxuries I used to think you needed in order to be happy. You're art has made me more comfortable in my own brown skin and has made me angry to act.

    I think a more appropriate label for you would be artist, not celebrity. You've helped to start a movement, and I appreciate you for sharing your knowledge with all of us. Most importantly though, I thank you for finally providing me with good music to put into my goddamned iPod!

Day 4 Your Future Self

Dear Future Self,
     I hope that you do not find yourself writing such a terrible letter to me at some point. I understand regret for my current past self, but hopefully this present self (which is your past self (well, mine))  is something you could be proud of. I'm still learning, and I'm still growing. Overall, I'm happy with who I am becoming. Hopefully you are too. I know that I am the path that is going to determine your future, and I am very aware of that. I am trying my best to make things way better in the future. I'm still overcoming my past self though, and sometimes it's hard rid myself of old habits. I hope you could understand that. But things are looking good, I'm I look forward to whatever it is I end up doing.

Day 3 Your Past Self

Dear Past Self,
     What the hell is your problem? No, seriously, what were you thinking? Who did you think you are?  Did you never think about all the harm that you would do to your future self? Apparently not! You selfish bitch!
     Now, because of your selfishness there is so much work for me to do. You were such a hater, you were so mean to everyone! I mean, I won't be so hard on you, you were me after all. I get you, I know where you were coming from. But still, how could you have been so stupid and ignorant. It's still unbelievable to me. I don't know if you would like the person I have become but I sure as hell do. This letter is getting weird and confusing.
     Well, I thought I should let you know, things get a little better in the future. I still have a lot of work to do, but it looks like we're going to be okay.

Day 2 Your Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,
     It always shocks me how long we've known each other. People in my life don't last that long. They come and they go, and they never really seem to matter. You've come to a point where you have become irreplaceable in my life. I can't really see my future without you, and I see me by your side when you tell me about your dreams.
     I was a terrible friend to you back in high school. But you showed me your loyalty, you were always willing to come when I needed you. I expected you to say, "why should I?" You were in every right to say it, but you never did. You were always there. It wasn't until I grew up a little in college that I realized how special you were. I had never really had a person like you, and yet there I was, pushing you away from me. 
     I think it took a while for the both of us to acknowledge that what we had was real. That maybe we weren't going to be traitors to each other, and we actually cared about each other. We both went through those confusing feelings of uncertainty before we could comfortably say we were friends. We're so alike in our thinking and feeling, it was hard to judge each other.
     Now you are at a very low point. I understand everything you are saying and feeling. I was there at some point too. I listen to you, and I try to be the friend I never had at the lowest point in my life. I could have had you, but I chose not to. I just know that I know what you're feeling, and I understand you more than you might think. I might not show it, I'm still not good at showing my feelings. But like I've said before, you matter to me. Even when I get mad at you. You're like no other, and I am very thankful for having you in my life.

Day 1 Your Crush/ Boyfriend/Spouse

Dear Crush/ Boyfriend/Spouse,
     You are neither of these three for me. Gone are the days when I'd think about you every second of my existence, and you never let us be the other two. Yet, we went through so much, it's hard not think that we were all these. I'm not really sure what you were in my life, but seeing as you were the person I thought of when I saw the subject of this entry, it's something along these lines.
     It's been about a year since we last saw each other. I don't know if I miss you. I miss our happy moments, but you gave me more miserable ones than happy ones. I wouldn't take you back. I think the reason our relationship still torments me is because we left each other and never really gave each other reasons. Let me correct that, I gave my reason. You just didn't bother to listen. But you left me perplexed. Why were you so cold to me?  Why was it that until the very last second you decided to be so selfish?
     From the bottom of my heart, I still believe you to be a good person. I think you're honest, and with good intentions. I just don't know why that wasn't the case with me. You seemed at ease hurting me and using me, and completely aware of what you were doing (and even proud of the fact that you had that power over me). I don't know why. You were supposed to be "one of the nice guys" but you turned out to be one of the biggest assholes. I really don't understand why. I guess I still wish to understand you. Which is another thing I don't understand.
     I hate you. I hope all those silly dreams you have never come true. But I still want that last conversation with you. I still seek to understand. I need that closure, it's the least your jerk-ass can do for all the trouble you put me through.

Not Off to a Good Start.....

One of my New Year's resolutions this year was to take on a 30 day challenge every month. I remembered this about half way through the day on January 1, 2013. I was going to start off with 30 days without internet, but I had already failed. I was going to go to the gym everyday for a month, but there is no way I am going on the first day of the year. Anyways, a lot of my ideas were discarded by just living.  Now, I have to do the one I least wanted to do: 30 letters in 30 days.

I think there is something wrong when you have to resort to your back up challenges the first day. Not off to a good start, but here we go!

Here is the link to the list I will be following:

http://30daychallenges.net/challenges/view/30-day-letter-challenge-different/315/